The Lake and Cheever

Depot Park

Drove about half an hour northeast today to have a day at the lake. The water here is crystal clear and just cold enough to be brisk but not painfully cold.

I arrived shortly after noon and there were families and couples scattered across the park. I was the only person there alone. A large, extended family was to my left. Every age range was represented. These scenes are always bittersweet to me. I like to see families like this, but without my own, it makes me feel a little sad. But today was my first day out doing something fun for a long while and my mood was good.

It was a brilliant day: Sunny with the occasional fluffy cloud to let the cool breeze have its intended effect. Motor boats created a distant, scattered buzz and a lone sailboat lazed across the lake at a pace that created a soporific sensation in my brain. A man hung from a rainbow colored parachute flew above, towed by a boat.

I'd brought along copy of John Cheever's stories and listened to Nina Simone, Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald sing. The scenes in Cheever's stories were brought to life by the bucolic setting I was in. I could look up from any page and see Cheever's world precisely today as if decades had not passed. If alcohol and a whiff of scandal were added to the scene around me I could have been living a Cheever story. But that is the way with his stories too. The scandal is always there, in the houses, in the hearts and in the minds of men and women even at a seemingly frivolous lake or party day. The darkness isn't visible, just lurking nearby or within, waiting to pounce.

I was reminded of my own recent heartache when a wedding party showed up to take pictures. As folks wandered down the waterfront to watch the photography session, I took my cue to leave. I was in a decent mood, why spoil it? Besides, I was turning pink.

I did get some swimming in though. I used a snorkel and goggles to watch fish nibble lake grass and play with air bubbles. I've never seen clearer water.  Largest fish seen today was about two and a half feet long.

How This Blog Came to Be

So, some of you know what is happening in my personal life, and some of you don't. I only mentioned here that I was facing a couple of crisis that many people face. One crisis is of a universal nature, the other, Shakespearean.

I think I'm ready now to tell what I've been through. I'm not free and clear, but I am emerging from the other side. In 2007 I lost my job as a retail manager when the store I managed closed. That was fine because it coincided with my finishing my master's degree in Mass Communications. It was no great loss. However, as the economy declined under our idiotic leader Bush Jr. I found myself made redundant again. Yes, last January I was laid off as a copy editor at a newspaper, my first post-grad job. Newspapers in general are suffering and mine was in particular. What made it especially harsh was that I had wished I could've quit before being laid off since I didn't care for the place. But it hardly matters now. That particular crisis has passed. The job I have now is at a place I've been working toward for about 2 years. I love the work. It's never dull or repetitive and the people are lovely. The atmosphere is positive and it's a nonprofit. We make the world better through our presence. That's the best I can ask. It's a dream realized. I don't make a lot of money but I do good. Last year I thought my ideals were foolish. I was thinking,  "I am foolish to hope to make a difference in the world. Perhaps the real world isn't like that." Now I'm glad I didn't give up all of my idealism. In small ways we can make the world better.

This blog came into being while I was laid off. My then fiance suggested it as a way to keep myself busy and positive and in touch with people while I was job hunting. I thank him for that encouragement because it gave me an audience to be accountable to when all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and succumb to depression and reruns of Becker.  

Then, while I was down, things got worse. I was supposed to get married March 6 of this year. It remained the bright spot in my life after losing my job. But it didn't happen. My fiance decided that he couldn't do it. My mother recently told me she couldn't figure it out. I told her not to try, because after living with the man for roughly 2 years, I still couldn't figure out what was really going on. In the end, the love of my life and I parted ways. I admit, I do hope he will return to me. I also realize now that if he doesn't, I will survive. I experienced the dark night of the soul and I've come through. I love him. I want him. I would gladly have children with him. I once felt as though I couldn't breathe without him, but I did continue to breathe. Now, breathing is easier. I realize life goes on. I did live. I will live. I guess that my wish now is that if someone is going through what I have gone through, to lose and regain a livelihood and lose the person you love and survive, I guess my wish is that they find my blog and find some hope. It will be OK. You can go through Hades and come out the other side. You can drown and breathe again. And if you don't believe that, email me. I'll talk you through.

*Image from Watkins Glen State Park, photographed by Cherie Stull

Nice Sunday

Had a pretty day. Friday and Saturday the water left the streams. Every blade of grass, every tree, every shrub collectively exhaled its moisture. The air coated you in wetness. You felt as though you were sweating, even when you were not hot. The weatherman described it as "gross, an official new weather term," he said.

Sunday morning it broke with cozy, stay in bed and talk on the phone with a cup of coffee in hand gray, gray, rain. After noon, I emerged to a new weather system. Blue sky, cool breezes and a kind sun. The deck furniture beckoned. I brought my coffee and Hemingway's "Men Without Women," out with me. I read Hills Like White Elephants, a very short story that put me in mind of a Twilight Zone episode I once watched. But I really enjoyed The Undefeated, which I read while cooking dinner and finished with a couple of glasses of white wine on the deck. Talk about the ability to build tension in a story. Morally, I'm against bullfighting but when Hemingway, a big game hunter and man's man, writes it you do pull for the bullfighter especially one such as Manuel, the underdog. I found myself holding my breath while reading, in spite of the relaxing wine. (though I can't recommend the Dooby Blues, which comes from the Finger Lakes where I live, unless you like super sweet). I prefer a drier, viscous, peachy Chard or a spicy, black pepper red. I like to eat Lindt's Chili Chocolate with the red and chicken with the Chard.

In a twitter for toile

  

Really mad about toile fabric these days. So pretty for totes.

Poetry Everywhere | Naomi Shihab Nye | PBS

I really love this poem!!!!

Poetry Everywhere | Naomi Shihab Nye | PBS

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